Flightmares*

Those boxes in the weekend magazines or the appalling Australian Financial Review magazine in which jetsetters relate their travel secrets:

Name: Earnest Most

Position: Vice President, Excellence**

Preferred carrier and seat: QANTAS, because they know me! 1A - in the event of an accident I like to know I’ll be the first atomised.

Most frequent destination: Singapore. The place really works and I just love sweating. It’s wonderful to see how the ethnic Chinese treat anybody who is not ethnically Chinese.

Hotel: The Fullerton. It’s very expensive but its close to the office, has really cosy rooms, is great for working and has a super bar where drinks are 5 times more expensive than outside.

Never fly without: I always work on the plane so I never forget my laptop, adaptor and Bose noise cancelling headphones. Some people say I am a gullible fool for buying the headphones but I say, Sorry, are you talking to me?

Tips: Don’t drink too much when flying or you might forget to work. Haggle! The locals really enjoy it and you could end up with a bargain!


As a one time Platinum QANTAS, Gold Kris and blah, blah, blah member here’s the truth about international travel in any class. It’s shite.

Practical advice:

Always watch the safety demonstration so you remember to forbid your children from being hosties.

To meet Asian hosties, leave your business card on your seat. To meet Australian hosties, cash.

Passengers who work on flights are invariably tossers.

Consuming 2 large valium and 3 martinis before boarding is a great way to meet people during the flight but less helpful in an emergency evacuation.

They’re not called hosties anymore.

Waitress in the Sky is still the best song about hosties, by far.

American hosties have no sense of humour. Nor do Singaporean, German, French, Dutch, Japanese, British or Australian ones.

If you give hosties a hard time, they will wipe your teabag round the bowl.

Don’t eat the food unless it comes in tamper proof packaging.

People who don’t drink on the flight are wasting their time (and money).

Lest departure be delayed, drug your children after take off.

Don’t tuck in your 1st class jammies.

Mr. Bean is no funnier at altitude.

1st class jammies tend to bunch and creep. Pull out before heading through cabin.

Other people’s children are best avoided on the ground and threatened in the air.

If you see a morbidly obese man when checking in, he will have frequency and be sitting next to you.

The hostie call button is there to be used. Don’t be shy!


* Not to be used as a nickname for QANTAS hosties.

** This is a real job title.