Night time in the switching yard

The secretary of Unions NSW, John Robertson, believes that as Sydney’s transport problems are so bad, workers should be paid for the time they spend commuting.

To facilitate productivity during this time, governments should pay for wireless internet connections to be installed on trains to enable white collar workers to work while commuting.

This is a brilliant plan and long overdue. But does it go far enough?

No, it does not.

It is suspected the many collateral public policy benefits of Robertson’s suggestion may have escaped even his capacious intellect.

It’s discriminatory

Blue collar workers must not miss out.

Trains should be fitted with metal shops, work benches and tools. Hydraulic lifts for mechanics are also needed.

Long trains are excellent venues for outside workers, such as dog walkers and personal trainers, to put their charges through their paces.

What about the professionals?

If they lined the seats up to face the same way and replaced route maps (which won’t be needed – see below) with a few whiteboards, teachers could conduct classes. After all, the kids are already on the trains.

Small courts must be constructed to enable litigants, lawyers and members of the judiciary who live in the same area to do their bit to knock over the depressingly long civil list on the way to the office.

Surgeons could conduct elective surgery and the already bright lighting would afford dental hygienists the opportunity to de-scale and polish en route to the surgery.

Waiting times for justice and health care will be reduced at a stroke.

What about housing?

Sure, Robertson is onto something identifying the time spent by workers commuting, but is he addressing the root cause of all this commuting?

No, he is not.

The real evil is the housing affordability crisis which pushes workers out to the city fringe forcing them to commute in the first place.

However, at the price of some bunks, an ablutions carriage or two and a few dining cars (why should chefs not work while they ride), the state would be providing accommodation for the price of a season ticket.

With work and living facilities on the train, commuting would be obviated. The new trains then could be shunted to switching yards where the wheels would be removed. Not having all that rolling stock moving around will save energy and help us win the battle against global warming.


It’s all in a morning’s work for Mr. John Robertson, secretary of Unions NSW and future Nobel laureate.

I’m no wowser, but…

Never trust a bloke who says he’s trustworthy. The second biggest liar I ever met said to me on my first day at the company where he was a senior executive, “I’m honest”.

I was grateful for this admission, as he immediately marked himself as warranting close scrutiny. And so it was later confirmed - he was unethical, corrupt and a liar and I was delighted to play a not insignificant part in his dismissal, defeat in the courts, deportation and, for the sake if his long suffering wife, divorce.

We’ve all previously heard and, most likely, adopted the same self-exculpatory formulation:

I’m no homophobe, I even live in Sydney, but…

I’m not racist, some of my favourite food is foreign, but…

Well, I don't stand before you as some sort of saint. Never have, never will do. But…

I mean, I'm no wowser on this sort of stuff. I mean, everyone likes to go out and have a good time, good on them. But…

Experience dictates that the safest way to interpret such language is to treat the word “but” as reversing the polarity of all that has gone before. That is, the reader should conclude the opposite of what has been claimed and, in turn, read the word “but” as “and”.

Applying this to the last two sentences we are rewarded with:

Well, I’m a saint and I’m going to make you behave a little more like me…

I mean, look at me, I’m a wowser and I’m going to dictate how young people spend their recreation time…


Who would have thought we could enjoy the style of government enjoyed by the British without leaving the sun.